10 Reasons Why Male Friends Do Not Exist

dudes-in-your-girls-friendzone

 

Who doesn’t love a homeboy? I know I’ve had a couple. Homeboys are cool because they can often provide you with a perspective that you may not be receiving from your estrogen laced BFFs. Homeboys can be your activity partner*, plus one*, Netflix and Chill partner*, bodyguard*…you name it. What could possibly be wrong with that?

Well…

It’s just that this friend doesn’t really exist. And here’s why.

  1. He’s a man and you’re a woman. Yes, I know that’s basic and obvious. But at the baseline, you have opposing parts that are intended to come together for the sake of procreation. So…yea. Conflict, much?
  1. They were attracted to you. Doesn’t matter if it was 10 years or 10 minutes ago. How many men do you believe befriend women “just because” and not based on some level of interest? Yes, there are situations where there are friends who may have become a friend through some sort of default method, like having other friends in common. But guess what? You are still not blood related. One emotional, drunken/high, moment can easily turn that familiar person in to the very familiar person.
  1. They ARE attracted to you. Don’t act like you never were or never heard of the guy friend waiting in the wings to get the girl. Listening to her gripe about her boyfriend or crush and then watching them break her heart. It’s like the premise for a gazillion teenage rom-coms and even some popular R&B songs.
  1. You’ve slept together before. So, that makes being physical  a potential option again at some point. Might not be today, but it was, and could be again.
  1. Only one half of the party is not attracted to the other. The funny thing about attraction is that it isn’t simply based on looks. It’s also based on the mind (for all of you sapiosexuals) and also familiarity. We develop a fondness for someone through the friendships we have and those feelings may develop randomly at some point. Have you never, ever bumped in to someone from the past and been like, “Wow! So and so looks good now!”? This can happen in your friendship too.
  1. When he gets a girlfriend, it’s basically over or becomes problematic.* Notice those asterisks above? In the introductory paragraph? Well…that was for this. Because when your homie gets a girlfriend, prepare for the following: Him to no longer hit you up. Him to hit you up with serious caveats or on the sneak from his girl. She’ll probably hate you and despise your friendship. This will result in her trying to force him to end the friendship, OR she’ll befriend you, but only if she doesn’t think you’re a threat to her. Group functions may turn in to a “who knows him better” competition; which will lead his girl to want to leap across the table, and choke you. All while expressing that she knows what the underside of his manhood looks like. But, unfortunately for her, you may also be privy to this information, too. This is not a friendship, ladies and gents.
  1. His girlfriend doesn’t know who you are. Or you don’t even know that he even has a girl. That’s probably because he sees you as potential and an option for after he moves on.
  1. You don’t really see him as just a friend. Maybe you like him and he’s not in to you like that. But you hope that one day you’ll be the one. Or, maybe you see him as a fall back plan if you run in to an emergency situation where you’re in dire need to bump uglies. Personally, I consider male friends to be family jewels in a glass box. For use in case of emergencies.
  1. It causes us to live in denial. Think long and hard ladies, have you ever had a close friendship with a cishet male, like you would with your women friends and he never tried anything? At all?
  1. You tend to react differently to your male friends. I don’t care what you think, but sitting on your guy friend’s lap or cuddling with him is NOT friendship. When do you think was the last time any of my girlfriends sat on my lap? NEVER. You’re not fooling anyone. You’re flirting with him. You don’t flirt with me. LOL

Bonus: Brownsugar anyone?

I’m sure many of you have totally legitimate male to female, platonic relationships. However don’t be surprised when others are taking that with several grains of salt sprinkled upon a platter of some serious side-eye.

 

 

 

 

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