The Deadbeat Dad

Wow. Father’s Day exploded in a firestorm online. I wasn’t feeling well that day, so I slept late and the kids’ father called me so I could tell him Happy Father’s Day. My bad. I know he was just checking on me because under normal circumstances, I’m on point. After I spoke to him and the littles, I laid down and began to reach out to all of the other active dad’s I knew. Then things blew up.

I saw a RT that said something to the tune of “I’m not going to NOT celebrate my dad on Father’s Day bc some of you chose the wrong person to make a baby with.”

Ouch.

Well, where did that come from and why would anyone feel as though they couldn’t celebrate their dad? In the days preceding the holiday there were mentions of “fatherless yamps” and other inflammatory comments. There was definitely a divide.

See, what had happened was, a lot of single parent mothers went in on the deadbeat sperm donors of their children. From now on, expect me to use the term “single parent mother” to describe a woman who is the sole parent of her children. I do not like using the term “single mom” to describe it because there are plenty of mothers who are single but who are NOT the sole parent of their children. Read: The father is very much active. I am a single mom but I’m most certainly not a single parent.

These women took to social media sites to proclaim and own Father’s Day because they are both mommy and daddy to their kids. Now, the double duty is very much respected, but wilding for respect on a holiday meant for active fathers as a means to attack your deadbeat baby daddy is going too far. One woman on Facebook went as far to say that most dudes are just baby daddies anyway and the mother has the kids 24/7/365. Girlfriend speak for yourself and your situation because all of the guys I know in my generation take care of their kids.

What people often fail to realize that this whole fatherless household aspect within our community is a vicious cycle where both men and women are at fault. Single parent moms usually feel bitterness and guilt when they see their children experience pain from the absence of the other parent. As a mother, I can relate to the blinding rage that occurs when something wrong is done to a child. But, for the sake of my children, I calm myself down and make a plan of action. I feel that this is where people falter in keeping their child’s best interests at heart. When you are constantly adding your own negative feelings into the mix, please believe it has an effect on your child. The opposite is also true. If you keep a positive outlook, that will pass on to your child. I don’t recommend lying to children, but give them an age appropriate logical truth and always make sure they know it is never their fault.

Beware of overcompensation to make up for the missing other parent. I’ve come to believe that children who are brought up spoiled, with the absence of responsibility, turn into dependent, selfish adults who have entitlement issues; and essentially, if the child is a man, a deadbeat father. How can we possibly expect our children to grow with the absence of basic life skills or caught up in our bitter, adult drama? This may not be what people want to hear, but we have to make better choices with whom we procreate. Unfortunately, we can’t expect people to automatically enter into a responsible role after the birth of a child. It’s sad, but it is our reality.Whether the father of my children is around or not, the show must go on. I cannot project any animosity I may have have for him onto them. I feel that my role as a parent is not just to love my children but to prepare them for the future; so that they may be able to survive and, even better, succeed. Carrying bitterness about the choices I made regarding their existence interferes with that.

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