One Foot In, One Foot Out

I’m convinced. Everybody is like 10 seconds from a relationship. Nobody is really single. There’s always at least one person waiting in the wings. In a city as large as New York City, it’s still rare that I find anyone who has been single longer than 1 year. The majority of people I meet who have been single for a year have been so after a marathon relationship. They do not count. There is nothing you can say to me that will make me believe that anyone who has been out of an 8 year relationship for just one year is ok to date. Nope.

I’m a serial monogamist. Ever since I began having boyfriend, I’ve pretty much had one. Currently, I’m single and this would be the longest time I’ve ever been. I know I needed it. With demands coming at me from all angles, I really didn’t have the emotional capacity to sustain a relationship and I knew it. The idea of even being in a relationship would give me anxiety. The moment a guy even hinted at the possibility of it I withdrew completely or reiterated the role I’ve given him in my life. I wanted a male presence but I wanted full control over what the level of that presence would be and how far it would go. I knew what I didn’t want and I would articulate that. But people have feelings and sometimes they would want more than what I was willing or able to give, so I try to assess what their true intentions are early on. The men who had relationships ending 3-6 months before I met them were the most needy. They immediately tried to cling to me and would want me to do things that a girlfriend would do. They were missing the sleep overs and cuddling that comes with being in a relationship. They had to go, and quickly. I’m not here to fill in your ex’s spot in the bed.

I’ve never been truly alone in life at all really. I’ve always lived with family, a friend, a boyfriend or spouse and now with my children. I may never live alone. This is one of the reasons why I am in no rush to devote my extra time and attention to someone else. My life now may be as alone as it gets. I’m no longer completely closed to the idea of a relationship like I was before, but I am also not itching for it. I really take my time to get to know certain things about folks and I have no intention of going into anything new blindly. I’m learning that people talk a really good game but their actions are where they fail. Not following through on what they say they plan to do is a huge indicator for me. It’s like people hang themselves. I’m a calm person and I’m not going to try to force anyone to do anything they really don’t want to do, so I just let them fall off. Maybe part of this is attributable to my reluctance to be in a relationship or I just haven’t come across a person who matters so much that their absence would seriously bother me. This is a battle that I don’t believe I should even have with the right person so I haven’t yet come to a conclusion regarding this.

I fully anticipate the eligible men I meet to have a long line of interested women. This does not go over well for me. It seems that men who have a bunch of women ready and willing are less likely to put forth any extra effort expected of them. One could conclude that he’s just not that interested in the women who are asking for the basic extra stuff, and in that case, she should just move on. What’s happening is that the women are not moving on. They’re staying in hopes of being the one chosen. They’re waiting in the wings. Some of the these women are even ex-girlfriends. They’ll go from a position of girlfriend to something ambiguous. Any new woman who comes along may be given less than she deserves or desires because dude knows that he has someone to fall back on. This also applies to women. I’d be a liar if I didn’t admit that one of the ultimate reasons why I’m still single is due to all of the potential options out there. I know that a lot of women say that there aren’t any men out there, but there are. I’ve met a bunch of men and I can’t say that any were bad men. They may not have been the right fit for me, but they are ultimately very dateable for someone else.
I also don’t feel as though I should have to compete. I lay my cards on the table and a man can feel free to walk by and check it out. I shouldn’t have to do any extra because although I can turn down as many men as I want; when I finally say yes, ultimately it’s because he chose me. I can roll my eyes about it all I want but when relationships happen it’s usually because the man has decided what he wanted. Since this is the way it goes, why should I fight for it?

You know where to find me.


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