Spring has made its late but well anticipated arrival. It’s evident in the warmer temperatures, allergies, blossoming flowers, exposed body parts and… epiphanies?
Back in October or so, it appeared that people were out in droves looking for a wintertime “situation” to keep them warm on the brickest of nights, and brick nights there were! There were also blizzards, shut downs and days out of work for many of us. Cold, damp and stressed, who really wanted to be home alone? Visions of stocking up on food, drinks and cutting away danced in heads. Then when the first signs of spring come, folks part ways and seek out new bodies for the warm season. #Victorious
But, I had no such person. Of course this could be attributed to several factors. Yes, I made many jokes related to the onset of “Cuffin’ Season” but I wasn’t ever really serious about it or anyone. There were potential options. I consider them potential options because people had made themselves available and I didn’t bite. I just wasn’t pressed. It was like they came all at once. When it rains, it pours, and I didn’t trust any of it.
I never wanted to place myself in a situation where I was laid up with someone just for the sake being laid up. I’ve been in casual situations and they’ve worked–for at that time. This time around I wasn’t quite certain what I was looking for and instead of winging it, I left everyone alone. Yea, real mature like stuff.
I spent my nights warm (s/o to that project heat), being confused by elementary school homework assignments, going to the gym, entertaining friends at my house or chilling at my favorite bar. My cookies remained packaged up, tucked away in the cabinet behind the free fruit cake. I didn’t actually put them there, things just sort of worked out that way.
All of this alone time allowed a new form of clarity to set in. I began to see things in a way I’ve never saw them before or maybe I just lost my mind. I was alone, but not lonely. The absence of a romantic relationship of any sort, emotional or physical, brought me a peace that I couldn’t ever recall having before. My envelopment in the love and support from my family and friends gave more than I could ever ask for. The love I have for myself was healing. I treated me well.
I became spoiled. If I was happy being left to my own devices, why should I be open to mediocre offers of companionship? I’m a flirt of the highest order, and men are never completely absent from my life, but in the back of my mind I know the type of person I would seriously entertain. Of course there are times when I would love to go out on a date with someone but those feelings do not overpower my desire to be treated properly. I have an endless list of activities that I would like to do and I’m happy to take myself out. If I don’t enjoy myself, how can I expect anyone else to?
A change has set in and I can’t quite place my finger on just exactly what the catalyst was. I can only describe the feeling as uninspiring. I’m uninspired to open up my circle to new people or hold on to people who don’t hold me in the same regard as which I hold them. If I date, I’ll date. If I don’t, I don’t. Things in my life have taken a “me” focused shift. Things that used to worry me before, no longer do. Some people who used to matter before, now don’t. I feel like I’ve come to the tail end of my quarter life crisis and I am receiving a glimpse of the anticipated emotional maturity that comes with being in one’s 30’s.
I’m sure the changes were gradual as I know that I’ve spent much time pondering a variety of areas of my life. It’s just that the execution of the almost-final result seemed quite abrupt. It’s a noticeable change that happens the be the sum of a tiny series of changes. I feel as if I’m coming into the honing process of who I am to be and I’m embracing it.