When I think of my mom, I think about all of the years she’s spent raising children and wish for the day that she’ll be free to do what she wants to do. Not that she never wanted to raise us, but I know now as a mom myself, that obligations aren’t always fun. They are also rarely ever easy. I would say for the most part that every parent just wants their child to be happy and to grow up to have a better life than the one they had. If this was my mom’s wish for me, then she has succeeded.
All I had ever wanted was my mom’s approval and so I tried to do the right thing. I never wanted to disappoint her. As a result, I’ve broken a few cycles in my family during my lifetime. I wasn’t a teenage mom, I graduated high school on time, went to college afterward and was married to the father of my children. I currently have a career, great kids, an awesome circle of friends and an overall fulfilling life. I was aware that my mom desperately did not want me to go through the same struggles she had. When my mom was the age I am now, I was about 10 years old. I can’t imagine my 5 year old daughter being 10 right now. I’m going through so many life changes that I know that I would not have been able to be the necessary support system she would require at that age. As an adult, I recognize that my mom did the best she could with what she knew.
In spite of my accomplishments I still don’t feel as though I have come far enough. I know my mom doesn’t want to be a burden to me but I feel that adult children should be in a position to care for their parents when they grow older. I want to prepare for that. I want for everyone to be ok. It hurts me that she has to want for anything or feels unsettled about certain things.
In addition to her life’s hardships, my mom has been taken advantage of, undervalued and underestimated. Most of the time I wish I could just smash all of the people who try to get over on her, as I am not like her in that I don’t share her continuously forgiving spirit. I am not those people who don’t realize that she IS valued in someone’s heart despite it not being theirs.
I almost lost my mom a few years ago. A lot of people do not know that. She was run down by a car and had to be airlifted to the hospital. The quiet cornerstone of my life was rocked. She suffered permanent damage from that accident; yet, she’s exhibited an inexplicable level of resilience. Although we may not utter it, we needed her and she could have been lost but by grace she is here and I just want her to be happy.
I want her happy. I want her happy with someone. I want my baby girl to spread the flowers. I want to watch my brothers walk her down the aisle to someone who appreciates her and recognizes what she has been through. I want my baby boy to deliver her ring. I know that so many people in my life want to see me happy and with someone but I also know that I have time to worry about that later on. This is not my time to shine; this one is for my mom.
Daughter, sister, mom, grandma yah-yah, I love you.